The Sexiest Man Alive

It’s the 12th day of January, 3 weeks into the dead of winter, and Chapel Hill, NC is rocking a high of 67 degrees. It’s a beautiful day to be outside and take a break from writing about the outside world and turn my attention to myself. That’s right, we’re digressing from ongoing theme here at the Clubhouse to celebrate a very special occasion: last night, I came to realize that I’m the world’s sexiest man.

People magazine recently voted actor and celebrated Texas Longhorn Matthew McConaughey the sexiest man alive. This just goes to show you that People magazine is not a magazine of the people, for if it were, that honor would have gone to yours truly. Let me explain.

It has long been argued that there is a strong correlation between beauty and symmetry. Even the ancient Greeks expressed this idea in the Pythagorean Golden Ratio and Aristotelian Golden Mean. More recently, the theory has survived the empirical scrutiny of numerous scientific studies. Most notably, a child in California submitted irrefutable evidence by way of his/her science fair project.

While it is clear that humans prefer symmetrical faces and proportionate bodies, there is still some debate as to why this is the case. Google Answers points out a possible link between symmetry and healthiness. Apparently, some ailments, if contracted during stages of development, cause asymmetry and disproportionate growth. In a sense, then, you wear your medical history. Lopsidedness is a red flag, whereas symmetry is a clean bill of health. There’s also some suggestion that symmetry is of reproductive advantage. While this source may be of questionable repute, please note that I’m the same person that cited a science fair project.

I tracked down a photo of Mr. McConaughey and put him to the photoshop test. Basically what you do is take a photo, cut it in half, and mirror the remaining half. You then compare this half-and-half to the original and the other half-and-half. As it turns out, he’s pretty darn symmetrical. His right-right photo is slightly more triangular than his left-left.






I did the same thing for myself. But for my desire to remain in relative anonymity, I’d post the photos. You’ll have to take my word that I’m more symmetrical than Matthew “Second Place” McConaughey. The upshot is that I’m now the sexiest man alive. The downside is that I don’t actually feel any different, except that I’ve had Right Said Fred’s “I’m Too Sexy” playing in my head all day. Maybe beauty is a curse.

What’s funny is that just the other day I was telling somehow how I didn’t think I was that good looking. I’d have said I was a 7. Clearly, I’m an 11! And there I was thinking that I knew myself! Ha! I’m off to enjoy the weather and to revel in my newfound sexiness, but not before I forward my results to People, demanding that they print a retraction!