267 Jars of Peanut Butter

With greater and greater frequency, I’m finding that I return from the grocery store with the wrong item. It’s not completely wrong, just slightly wrong. Just wrong enough to annoy me, but again, only slightly. Wrong enough to worry me, but not enough to seek help. It’s not like I return from the grocery store with 2 pounds of frozen salmon when I thought I was getting a pack of double A batteries. If that were the case, I would either seek medical attention or be happy for it. Either way, it would be an open and shut case: I’m nuts. But, no, what plagues me is far more devious. I return for the grocery store with fat free sour cream or organic pudding. For this, I cannot locate a cause.

My first thought is that maybe there’s nothing wrong with me at all. Maybe such a thing is happening to everyone, everywhere, all the time. Maybe we’re all just victims of our variety-crazed manufacturing companies. Who can keep track of all 267 varieties of peanut putter these days? I can’t. Obviously. Maybe I’ve just resigned myself to closing my eyes, reaching in, and leaving it to fate. And sure, ‘organic peanut butter’ may be more appropriately labeled ‘tastes-like-crap butter,’ but is my life really any worse for having to ingest it? Not really. I may even be healthier as a result. Perhaps I’ve just chosen to concern myself with more important things (or at least different things). Yes, it was my choice after all; I am the existential hero of aisle 14!

Or, maybe it’s genetics. My dad does the same thing to the Nth degree. Maybe I’m turning into him. And maybe, like him, there will come a time when I will return home with the wrong thing more often than not. But this begs the question, are we just indelible images of our parents? Or can we learn from the past so as not to repeat its mistakes?

Maybe my sub-conscious is saying to me, “Hey fatty, remember when you were 18 and you claimed that one ‘maintenance workout’ every 2 months was all you needed. Well, you’re not 18 anymore. How bout we ring-in your mid-20’s with a sit up or two?”

Freud says there's no such thing as a mistake, so all of the above may be plausible explanations. I've got my money on me being insane. Anywho, I’m off to enjoy some delicious low sodium lactose free soy ice cream with no trans fat or carbs. But first, maybe I’ll go for a run, just in case i'm wrong.