I turned on the TV the other night because I needed some background noise.
Not surprisingly, the channel that came up was ESPN.
In general, ESPN is an incredible invention.
And despite the efforts of many, its genius is yet to be replicated by any competing network.
Still, I sometimes find myself raising an eyebrow at their programming choices. For instance, at odd hours of the day, you’ll find televised pool tournaments or bass fishing. Sorry, those are not sports. (At least they have the good sense not to include such things on Sportscenter!) They’ve even extended their mission to include original movies or dramatic series about sports related people or themes, real and fictional. What’s worse is that every other commercial on the “family of networks” must, seemingly by law, serve as a plug for one of these monstrosities. Oh, and if I get one more update from Mario Lopez about who’s dating Anna Kournakova or sleeping with John Kruk, I may have to officially switch my allegiance to the Lifetime Channel out of mere principle. However, I cannot be too critical at these choices, because they did name themselves the ENTERTAINMENT and SPorts Network. However, I would argue that just as a rose is a rose, a sports network is a sports network, names notwithstanding.
True to their original mission, ESPN still televises sports out of the main stream, like extreme skateboarding and karate. And the success of people like Tony Hawk and Chuck Norris is owed, at least in part, to their early appearances on ESPN. 
And it is here, off the beaten path, that we find today’s morals. In my quest for background noise the other night, I discovered an international Sumo Wrestling Competition hosted in New York’s Madison Square Garden. If you’re unfamiliar with the sport, it’s where rather large men in small underwear try to knock one another to the ground or out of the circle. As far as I tell, the only rule is that you can’t grab your opponent’s junk. Fair Enough.
I watched some of this competition, all the while completely awe-stricken, and quickly concluded the following: (1) Men should not wear thongs; (2) Should the occasion arise where a man must absolutely wear a thong, it should not, at the very least, be during strenuous athletic competition in a public forum. Just as I thought this to myself, this American sumo wrestler stepped into the circle with what can only be described as Sumo’s equivalent to long johns. His opponent, a more generously-fed Eastern European with unclad buttock, quickly took hold of the supplementary undergarment, tore them in two, and deposited the modest American outside the circle. I then decided to add an exception to the above rules: (3) The above shall not apply where (a) the only available alternative would be a wear a pair of boxer-briefs under a XXXL thong-diaper and (b) when such an alternative would put the competitor’s health and livelihood in direct and immediate peril, in which case, such a competitor may wear a thong with the constructive approval of all spectators and without detriment to his dignity. With my respect for the sport thus restored, I then switched over to the Lifetime Channel.
And it is here, off the beaten path, that we find today’s morals. In my quest for background noise the other night, I discovered an international Sumo Wrestling Competition hosted in 
I watched some of this competition, all the while completely awe-stricken, and quickly concluded the following: (1) Men should not wear thongs; (2) Should the occasion arise where a man must absolutely wear a thong, it should not, at the very least, be during strenuous athletic competition in a public forum. Just as I thought this to myself, this American sumo wrestler stepped into the circle with what can only be described as Sumo’s equivalent to long johns. His opponent, a more generously-fed Eastern European with unclad buttock, quickly took hold of the supplementary undergarment, tore them in two, and deposited the modest American outside the circle. I then decided to add an exception to the above rules: (3) The above shall not apply where (a) the only available alternative would be a wear a pair of boxer-briefs under a XXXL thong-diaper and (b) when such an alternative would put the competitor’s health and livelihood in direct and immediate peril, in which case, such a competitor may wear a thong with the constructive approval of all spectators and without detriment to his dignity. With my respect for the sport thus restored, I then switched over to the Lifetime Channel. 
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